This morning, I asked for a do-over.
This morning, I was not patient with my children. I snapped when I should have sympathized. I hollered when I could have helped. I leapt when I should have looked.
Then I came home and spent an hour or so beating myself up about it, worrying that the state of my health is permanently damaging my children's.
I told the Universe that I would like those few hours back, please. If it wasn't too much to ask.
Instead she smiled wisely (I imagine) and sent me to a wonderful blog called Mama Om, where I caught a glimpse of the mother I would like to be. The one I know I can be. The one I am, sometimes, on my very best days.
Like all of my favorite teachers, Stacy readily admits she's not perfect. And thank god for that. If she were perfect, it would just discourage me further, rather than inspire me to try harder. But in her imperfection--which is just like my own imperfection, like all of our imperfections--she has moments of brilliance. And she is kind enough to write about them.
By some miracle, I was able to open my heart this morning and allow myself to be inspired by those moments. I walked away from my computer, meditated, wrote in my journal, and resolved to try again.
I don't get a do-over. But I can start over. And I will, as many times as it takes.
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We only have to be "good enough" parents. Don't set impossible standards for yourself...imagine the pressure it would put on your kids if they had a "perfect" mom! A balance of challenge and support...that's what kids need and get. Trust that.
ReplyDeleteI recall living next door to the perfect family some years ago. Husband was a Coast Guard officer, with his wife and mother of three close in age (a set of twins). Wonderful and admirable in all respects, we thought. Always doing and saying the right things. always busy on their beautiful home.
ReplyDeleteLater it came out that the mother, bless her, used to climb in a closet and drink herself silly. And it was all in perspective again.
There is no such thing as the perfect mom - just people really good at smoke and mirrors. But the ones who know that (and become settled and real) can be fine mothers indeed.
I found that my own "ups" and "downs" were, in part, related to unrealistic goals for myself. The "up" was getting all fired up about doing something great. The "down" came (usually about thursday noontime) when my psyche "bucked" trying to do it all - and I snapped at people for no reason.
Your heart doesn't pump constantly. It pumps, then it relaxes - then it pumps, then it relaxes.
Lots of love, Jill,
Uncle Doug
Thanks, both of you, for the much-needed perspective! Your words have come to mind many times in the last few days.
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