Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dear Apple

It's me, Jill. One of the last people on earth who does not own an iPhone.

Yes, I am aware they do lots of amazing things, with eleventeen thousand new applications launched daily. Some of the apps are admittedly mind-boggling. I do not pretend to understand why bumping two phones together appears to transfer data from one to the other, or how a phone can clap-on-clap-off my lights.

But if you want my business, you will have to do better. Here are some of the apps that, if available, could sway me (and perhaps a few other moms) to the dark side:

1. Logical consequence assigner. I'm completely prepared for my kid to have his bike stolen because he left it outside, or for my daughter to be cold when she refuses to wear her coat. But I need a quick reference for those trickier situations: repeatedly squeezing the dog's head, for example, or refusing to get in the car to go somewhere she doesn't want to go anyway.

2. Possession arrow for siblings. Does a college basketball referee have to make a decision every time two kids are fighting over a ball? Neither should I. (A similar application for parents to use in the event of diaper blowouts and night terrors would be appreciated.)

3. Date generator. Automatically syncs your calendar with that of your spouse and babysitter and identifies the single time slot in the next 3 months when all of you are free.

4. "How likely is this babysitter to steal my prescription meds?" Self-explanatory. A tip for the programmers, though: A tendency to play imaginary baseball with the children should be a red flag. Dating a musician also weighs against.

5. "Watch this!" Allows the parent to observe whatever underwhelming trick is being performed and respond with appropriate expressions of wonder, while simultaneously completing the task that almost certainly requires said parent's immediate and full attention (e.g., operating a motor vehicle).

6. Sex predictor. Computes the statistical likelihood of marital relations in the next 24 hours based on a few simple inputs. Because who really has time to shave her legs if it's not absolutely necessary?

7. "What was I just saying?" Again, self-explanatory. If anyone can find where all of my lost thoughts have gone for the last 8 years, surely your engineers can.

Get to work, Apple! You come out with these, and we have a deal.


  1. Love it. On the diaper blow-outs and night terrors, my sister and her husband play rock-paper-scissors to determine who has to deal with it. Easier to do for daytime blow-outs than night terrors, I realize, but you could give it a try until the app comes out.

  2. Jill, this is so great!!! I was thinking of starting a blog this year too... although mine will not be nearly as insightful as yours ;-)

  3. As if I didn't already love you, you have to go and tell iphone EXACTLY what has been holding the...well...holdouts...out... :)

    NICE. I can't even pick a favoriet App.


  4. I'm not one to reply frequently (ever!) to blog posts, Ms. Jill, but I must submit my own iPhone app suggestion . . . a breathalizer gizmo that FORBIDS texting, emailing, or calling a pre-set list of iPhone contacts if the gauge reads a certain level. Granted, this falls outside the standard set of parenting needs you were targeting, but as a single mom who has been suddenly thrust into a dating world full of new gadgets that allow all sorts of instant communication misbehavior, an app that supervises and restricts based on alcohol consumption would be fan-freakin-tastic.

    Where did this idea originate? No comment.

  5. Okay, am pointing my brother (who works for Apple) to this posting. I'm sure they'll get right on it.